If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People
Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to
me and said "Hey, hows it going?". So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said "Now whose asking the questions?"
I think a pillow should be the peace symbol, not the
dove. The pillow has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have a beak to peck you with.
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going
to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.
When I was in the 3rd grade, a bully in school started
beating me up every day. At first I didn't say anything, but then I told dad. He got a real scared look on his face and asked
if the bully had a big dad. I said I didn't know. But he still seemed scared. And just a few days later we moved to a new
town. Dad told me that if anyone picked on me, not to fight back. Unless I knew the kid didn't have a dad or the dad was real
small. Otherwise just curl up in a ball.
When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep,
like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.
Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because
then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.
If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and
you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.
One thing vampire children are taught is, never run
with a wooden stake.
If you want to be the most popular person in your class,
whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean
back and sort of smirk.
I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children
jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people
and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing
is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along
in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love
I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked
better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess
she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when
I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
Marta was watching the football game with me when she
said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another
group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment",
even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy
and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better.
I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy
guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.
"Of all the imaginary friends I've had, I don't think
there was one that I didn't end up having to kill."
Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to
harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed?
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava,
forget em', cause, man, they're gone.
When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo!
We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.
Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito
sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful,
beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also
he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of
something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
The memories of my family outings are still a source
of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where
we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport
we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess
some things never leave you.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute
thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because
of something you did."
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous
animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling
and eating everything they see.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch
for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway
department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance,
I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said,
"Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to
drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But
to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way,
when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first
date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk,
my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open,
and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman.
After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I
found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer
right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to
regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter
should be called an enemy planet.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons
of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate
revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its
that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the
one you've got, so why not mate for life?
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down,
I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in
a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait,
not me, you.
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I
think one of the courses should be laughing, then jumping off something.
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret
identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said,
"How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably
say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't
even pay his bill.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the
future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man
to laugh at that man.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick
of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying
a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look.
He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right,
it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made
fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman,
someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they
remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could
make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
The people in the village were real poor, so none of
the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around
and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered
to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag.
He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could
keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see
more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine,
which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look
at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean
? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose
a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from
a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like
they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
The face of a child can say it all, especially the
mouth part of the face.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap.
The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff
could happen and it could be like ambition.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch
of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it.
So sue me."
If you define cowardice as running away at the first
sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history,
in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good
thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music,
no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into
an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But
we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell
me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what
I call hospitality.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of
scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral,
which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about
cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because
if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
You know what would make a good story? Something about
a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a
little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door,
I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern
with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm
I think one way the cops could make money would be
to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed
me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later
that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and
make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel
gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade
at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking,
you can throw a real grenade at them.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think
I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get
more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've
hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your
friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you*
got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's
why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our
class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can
make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket
Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd
have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's
a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her
babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really
take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd
save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold.
When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold,"
and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls
off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest
thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real
limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch
onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He
loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral,
when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others,
"I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick
was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be
heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that
for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like
the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your
lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough
and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me
aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you
never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space
helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle
people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head
of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think
I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey
with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's
gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out
every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel
of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But
then we had some growing up to do.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to
where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from
the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain
about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught
a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby
shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something,
like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.
Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd
get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says "I'll try," five thousand bees. ("I can," one bee.)